I know it's been a long long long time since I blogged a photo session or a wedding & it's been even longer since I blogged a personal post but please read on to hear more about what's been one of the main happenings in our life this year. I would like to start out by warning you: this is not pregnancy announcement.
Today is your due date. Your nursery should be complete & your car seat should be in the car. But that wasn’t His plan for you, not for one second. You were made to meet your Maker.
On March 20th my whole world flipped upside down. That was the third time I felt like that in less than 2 months - the first time being just 7 weeks earlier when Morgan and I finally went to our first official infertility appointment. We had been trying to get pregnant since April 2015 and as time went by & we watched others get pregnant (sometimes even unplanned) I lost more and more hope. What we didn’t expect was the doctor to tell us that if we did IUI there wasn’t much chance for us to get pregnant and that our best bet was to just do IVF. Her words cut deep and as the realization sunk in I immediately felt a dark heavy weight over me.
The second time my world got turned upside down was 6 days later when I took 4 pregnancy tests + a blood test all in the same day revealing the same answer every single time - we were pregnant. Shock. Hope. Thankfulness. Just about every emotion ran through me those first few days as I kept the secret to myself & one other close friend while planning my sneaky scheme on how to tell my Husband. We were so excited and yet so fearful at the same time. It sunk in that THIS was our story. THIS was the reason it took so long for us to conceive. We had this incredible story to shout from the rooftops - OUR GOD IS GREATER. OUR GOD CAN DO MIRACLES. Even when the doctors tell you there is no hope, you should still believe! I got to carry our sweet baby for 11 weeks. We got to hear it’s heartbeat pound fast & strong. I woke up throwing up every morning & praising the Lord in between dry-heaving. I craved bagels & ginger-ale and my life depended on pregnancy pops. We had the amazing opportunity to celebrate & share the news in special ways with close friends & family. But that wasn’t our story.
Photos by: Kelsey Hope Photography
The third time our entire world turned upside down was on March 20th. The day I knew we were losing our baby. That I wasn’t going to be pregnant anymore. We weren’t going to be able to dress our little mini-me in the onesies we already excitedly bought or read them the Dr. Seuss books we purchased weeks prior. We were going to have to take steps backwards and readjust our mindset - we were still going to just be The Quiroz Two except with big gaping holes in our hearts.
To say it’s been a challenging last 7 months would be an understatement. (Okay, let’s be real… it’s been a challenging last two and a half years). However hard it has been for us, I am happy to say this with a sigh of relief: I still have hope and I am clinging to it. There’s nothing in the world I want more than to be a Mama and to watch Morgan be a Daddy and I know the Lord knows the deep desire our hearts pump for every minute of the day. 99.9% of the time when someone casually asks me how I am doing my heart pounds out of my chest as I debate to answer honestly - I am broken, I have not fully healed & I still think about what happened every hour of the day. I am still a work in progress; trying to not let this define me and to remember that God's delays are not his denials. Our God IS still greater. Our God CAN still do miracles. Our God is a faithful and redeeming God.
One thing I definitely know is that our story wasn’t meant to be held tightly onto by us; we need to share it. If not to just finally get it off our chest (and hopefully so people can stop asking us when we are having kids!) but to maybe give another couple a voice amidst the heartbreaking pain. I can’t sit here and tell you it still won’t hurt 7 months later, that you won’t think about what your baby would have looked like every. single. day., but I can tell you that even when it feels like no one in this world could ever understand - I do and so do many others who keep quiet about this. So, if you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me or to reach out to another close friend.
If you've made it this far I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you. Please join us in blowing out a candle for our sweet Baby Q & if you have your own littles squeeze them extra tight today.